It was a season of compromise; of conforming to group-think as way of acceptance.
In those days of travel and survival, you took what opportunities that presented, and without thinking. The needs of the many (my family) outweighed the need of the one (me and the crawling level of disquiet that comes with danger). “Danger” may seem a bit overblown when it comes to playing music, but the situation I was in was all-too familiar. The history of my dealings with MegaChurch were long and storied. In the “all I got was this t-shirt” category, I had more than a few, and they were riddled with the signs of wounding and of blood. Yet, like the proverbial ‘moth/flame’ conundrum, there I was again (as of this writing, this lesson has yet to be fully learned).
In spite of all the danger, songs flowed freely those days. Maybe as a coping mechanism or emotional pressure valve…who knows. In those early days of 2010 I found a song idea dropping in my lap.
My spiritual surroundings told of law and rule and complexity. Conform to the pattern, observe these rituals, avoid these people, and boycott all that opposes the Truth. Yet in my heart, Spirit whispered the simplicity of Grace and the power of Love to transform, even for those we didn’t want to give a seat at the table. All the words in red spoke to cutting through the layers of law to find the essence of belief.
Yet the fragments of lyric that were falling were direct; I believe. In what? In whom? Where was the bedrock surrounded by shifting sand? So I sat down and made a list in the form of a chorus:
“I believe in the Father
I believe in the Son
I believe in the Spirit
And the work He has begun
Could it really be that simple, that direct? The gnawing disquiet in my heart gave way to peace. It didn’t make sense and most certainly passed my understanding. But in that moment I knew it to be true.
From there it was a simple matter of documenting the situation of my life and spirit. The hurts, the loneliness, the immense feelings of failure and disappointment in myself and how it all rippled through the lives of family and friends.
Rippling. The image of water came into mind, of angry seas and heavy clouds. The images became words and words became verses. Lost at sea…a pathway obscured by pain. And then…? Light and a vision beyond storms and dark roads.
I believe…(more to come).